Sneak Peek: Desserts That Will Totally Get You Laid

If you’re making dessert for someone else, the odds are eleventy thousand to one that you want to have lots and lots of sex with them.

Hey, don’t look at me like that, I didn’t invent the rules. I’m just telling you what you already know, that sharing food is a way to share love, and that we’re most likely to apron-up when the possibility of full-frontal nudity is dangling in the air.

It’s basic food and relationship math. Person A makes a decadent dessert for Person B. Person B is impressed as fuck. Person A feels great about themselves. Person A and Person B are high on sugar and romance and good feelings and can’t stop making googley eyes at each other over the table. They finish dessert. Super sexy stuff happens. Everyone goes to sleep in a deliciously ecstatic cloud of joy. Amen.

See? 2+2 = chocolate covered sex

Now, if you want to be Person A, this Recipe Collection is for you. Don’t whine and tell me that you “can’t cook,” because that’s total bullshit. Everyone can cook with a well-written recipe and some worthwhile motivation. The well-written recipe part is what I’m here for, and as for the worthwhile motivation, did you not see my foolproof sexual equation up there?!

You can’t deny proven mathematical facts, people.

So, click here to download Desserts That Will Totally Get You Laid. It’s only $1.99, and it gives you step-by-step recipes for three orgasmically delicious desserts that you’ll make over and over again. I promise, your love for these recipes will most likely outlast your love for whoever you’re doing the sexy-time with. Unless you’ve found your soulmate, in which case, yay you! And also, you can tell said soulmate that they’re very, very welcome, because their future is about to include a whole lot more deliciousness and hot lovin’.

The first recipe you’ll get in this Collection is for an (Almost) Flourless Chocolate Torte, which will instantly become your go-to “Look how fucking fancy and awesome I am” recipe whenever you need to impress a date without them knowing that you hardly spent any time at all on dessert prep.

The second dessert in this Collection, S’Mores Cookie Bars, makes the perfect choice for daytime dates (think: romantic picnics) because it travels well and is casual and easy. These cookie bars are also a kid-favorite, a helpful little fact that you can just file away in the back of your mind for the future, when all this sex leads to lots of babies and you’re desperately in need of a single dessert recipe that keeps everyone in your life blissfully happy.

(See? Look how much I care about you! I’m already thinking ahead and helping you plan your entire life. I bet you didn’t know that my Recipe Collections come with the added bonus of me being your fucking guardian angel, but they do.)

Finally, the third recipe I’m giving you with this Collection is for Balsamic Roasted Strawberries, which are one of those versatile treats that not only make an amazing date-night dessert when served over vanilla bean ice cream, but also make a killer morning-after breakfast when mixed with granola and Greek yogurt. (Assuming, of course, that you’re as smooth as you think you are and will therefore be making breakfast for your date in the morning. That’s totally on you, though. I can’t do everything here, dude.)

And so, to sum up, Desserts That Will Totally Get You Laid is for everyone who has ever been preparing for a date and thought, “Yo, I like this person enough to combine stuff with other stuff to create food. And also, sex would be nice.”

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